the only answer

I remember that early morning, not so long ago. I held this little being, so tiny and fragile. For the first time after carrying her for nine months, I finally saw her. Her big round eyes stared piercingly at me. They’re the biggest I’ve seen – so much bigger than mine, so much rounder than the giant crimson sun setting in Manila Bay. Oh so perfect. I touched her thick black hair – as black as an owl’s dark eyes. Her face is clean now. The flood of my blood as I brought her out of this world, has been washed away by the doctors and nurses. Her mouth, so tiny and amazing, moves into a perfect pout. She has her father’s lips, I remember thinking then.

I held her close to my breast, wanting to feed her but not having the slightest clue how. There inside the nursery, I remember being filled with courage and fear. Amid the wailing of other babies in the room, I think quietly of this life I am holding.

Will I ever be able to be the mother that she needs? Will I ever have the courage to mold her into that human being who will never stop to struggle for what is best for her and for society?

She is a big girl now, growing so fast. Later, when she is in her twenties or thirties, I know I will not be able to smell and embrace her much. She will not stay long. She will be in the arms of others, more important than I am. I know the child’s laughter will be gone. She will be busy with her own life. And maybe, just maybe, I will be alone, restless and worried, waiting for her to come home at night.

In the morning, she will say “good morning Nanay Iris!” (She will be able to pronounce my name by then). And leave again for another busy day. Perhaps, she’s off to practice for a piano recital. Or she’s off to a writing workshop. Or she’ll be gone for a fact-finding mission. Or she will shoot the day’s events with her camera’s lens and shutters. Or maybe, she’ll be giving some art lessons to some kids. Wait, maybe she’ll be dancing the time away.

She will smile when she steps out of the door. I will look at her dimples and see her father’s smile. And I will understand perfectly that she has a place in this world. I can take the pain. She had to be born. The world needs this woman.

And then I know, it’s perfectly fine. I will be fine.

What is REAL?

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"REAL isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become REAL."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are REAL you don't mind being HURT."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You BECOME. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are REAL, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby.

But these things don't matter at all, because once you are REAL you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


- (excerpt) Margery Williams' The Velveteen Rabbit story

Don't Think Twice, It's all Right

It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe.
It don't matter any how.
An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe.
If you don't know by now.
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn,
Look out your window and I’ll be gone.
You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on,
But, don’t think twice, it’s all right.

It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe.
A light I never knowed.
It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe.
I’m on the dark side of the road.
Still, I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say,
To try and make me change my mind and stay.
We never did too much talkin’ anyway,
So, don’t think twice, it’s all right.

I'm walking down that long, lonesome road, babe.
Where I'm bound, I can't tell.
But goodbye is too good a word, gal,
So I'll just say, "faretheewell."
Mmm, I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind,
You could have done better but I don’t mind.
You just sorta wasted my precious time.
a-Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal,
Like you never did before.
It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal,
I can’t hear you any more.
I’m a-thinkin’ and a-wond’rin’ all the way down the road,
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told.
I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul.
Don’t think twice, it’s all right


Bob Dylan

disturbing the kingdom of the dead

Tagged along with a real lensman to the War Memorial at The Fort. This is what I came out with, using a Canon 400D. For once, I stepped out of the "reportage box." And surprise, surprise I enjoyed it very much. Looking at the world through the lens and shutters of a camera is always, always a brilliant experience.

NO TO THE RIGHT OF REPLY BILL!

This bill should never be passed. I add my voice to those rallying against the measure that seeks to curtail press freedom in this country.

Oscar moments

Watching Kate Winslet and Sean Penn in one of their finest moments in life was such a treat. Wow. I enjoyed listening to Winslet's passionate speech. She was overflowing with happiness and pride and love for her work. I especially liked the part when she thanked her mom and dad.

I liked Penn's speech which mentioned his work, gay rights and his desire for a better world.

The Oscars, as Penelope Cruz said, unites the whole world. She just might be true. I and many others I know were glued to the television set that night. It's always good to see moments such as the Oscars.

I think of my own little Oscar moments. I know I'll never be able to win an Oscar but I treasure those sweet experiences that make life worth living -- receiving a recognition for my work for the first time -- winning a slot in a journalism program abroad -- seeing my little darling daughter for the first time, hearing her first word and watching her dance to Beethoven's Pathetique.

I know that life isn't perfect but there are many, many perfect moments.

I hope there will be more. As Kate Winslet said, it's ok to dream about it as she did when she was eight years old.

Attention, The Weekend Kusinera

The Disastrous and Inevitably Insecure Kusinera is happy to share with the The Weekend Kusinera this simple Fish Fillet in Lemon Butter Sauce recipe.

I did this last night all from my imagination and a tip from Yummy magazine for the sauce -- and surprise, surprise, it turned out quite okay.

Ingredients:

1 pack Dory fish fillet (containing three fillets)
flour (for dredging the fillet)
salt and pepper to taste
fresh lemon
capers
Anchor butter

1) Melt butter in slow heat. (I used about half a bar)
2) Cook capers in butter for about two minutes then set aside
3) Fry the Dory fillet (about two minutes each side)
4) Squeeze some fresh lemon while the fillet is cooking
5) Add some butter again before removing the fillet from the pan.
6) Serve immediately

(you may also add asparagus as side dish)



(photo from italiankitchensecrets.blogspot.com. Apologies apologies as I was not able to take a photo of last night's dish)